Your essay is poignant and moving. I'm so sorry. My daughter experienced a mental health crisis last summer in the middle of the pandemic when she was 16. We'd lost her sister a few years earlier to cancer. Emily was 12 when her sister died, then turned 13 the next month. Such an impossible age even without that trauma. Grief and trauma are so hard for kids to bear and express. Emily didn't really deal with her grief until she was an older teen and she's only now, at 17, beginning to talk about it. Her psychiatrist explained that trauma literally changes kids' brains. She's prone to addiction, for example. She will likely struggle with anxiety and depression her entire life. But...she's doing well now after much therapy and the right antidepressant. You're doing everything right, though I know things must be very scary right now. Sending you a gentle hug.