The Ache is Strongest in The Quiet Moments
The hard work of carrying grief during the holidays.
There’s nothing quite like the holidays to remind one of the stark passage of time. At least, that’s what I kept thinking on Thanksgiving as I cleaned my house in preparation for hosting our first dinner since 2019. That was the last year we celebrated with extended family in our home.
Back in 2019, I’d been worried about mundane things like whether I had enough matching silverware for 10 place settings (I didn’t) and if we had enough chairs for everyone to sit at the table (we didn’t). I also worried about how to honor my daughter, Ana, without making people feel uncomfortable. Ana died in March 2017 at the age of 15. Holidays are…hard.
In the first couple of years without her, I burned candles beside her photo on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I probably did the candle thing in 2019 too, but I honestly can’t remember.
It’s been over five years since Ana died and it’s getting harder to incorporate her memory into the holidays. Burning candles feels like a hollow gesture. I want her to be a bigger part of our celebrations. I mean, of course I do. I want her to be alive.
I recognize that my grief is unique. As Ana’s mother, I feel her absence more than just about anyone else (the…
