Oh Holly, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Yes, I do feel as though I’ve changed, although I still have one daughter who is 15, so the daily act of parenting hasn’t ended yet. I obsess over the time when she’ll be grown and off to college, just a few short years. I’ve written essays about this — how I’m not the same, how grief is all mixed up in middle age and empty nest syndrome. It’s almost like I can feel my life shifting and I don’t know who I’ll be when it stops.
Four months is such a short period of time. I couldn’t do anything at four months except sit outside and watch birds or take walks. I did that all summer long. The loss is so acute in that first year. I hope you give yourself the time and space to move through this first year at a pace that makes sense to you. Sending you much love from a shared place of loss.