Facebook is a cobwebbed attic that I can’t seem to leave. — The first time I posted a photo of my children to Facebook was in 2008 when Emily was 4 and Ana was 7. It wasn’t my plan to turn Facebook into a scrapbook of their lives, but that’s what ended up happening. Ana died in 2017 at the age of…

What comes next when the ending isn’t happy? — Everything I love about happy endings is represented in the following brief montage of “cheating death” moments from a few of my favorite movies. It’s about ET, whose heart light went out, but was (immediately) rekindled by the love of the boy who ultimately saved him. It’s about cherubic young…

On having faith, and giving permission to let go — “How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again.” — Henry Scott Holland Dear Mom, The light is different here. If you saw how this place shines, I think you’d stop worrying about me. The light connects the landscape to every part of itself. It moves…

According to the American Cancer Society, about 600 adolescents, aged 15 to 19, die from cancer each year. In 2017, my daughter, Ana, was one of them. Ana was sick for four and a half years. During most of that time, even as her cancer progressed, I didn’t think that…

It’s been seven Septembers without Ana and I’m still trying to make a lasting connection to her spirit. — When I lost my daughter six years, 5 months, and 30 days ago, I lost all the ways I’d expressed my love for her. With one last exhaled breath, the light in her eyes went out and our lifelong bond abruptly severed. Or did it? It felt like the invisible…

What it might look like if I put myself first. — In the Greek myth of Narcissus and Echo, both characters are equally doomed. Narcissus, blessed with extreme beauty, has no interest in love. He only wants to hunt and do what he pleases. He’s courted by many people, but he leaves a trail of broken hearts, oblivious to the pain…

Having time to myself without the burden of crippling grief or relentless guilt is something entirely new for me. — I got up at 6 a.m. this morning and made my way to my favorite trail by 7:30. No one was awake. No one needed me to make them breakfast, find their other shoe, or print out their homework. I drove to the trail listening to the music I wanted…

Some disruptions don’t have an end date. — Eleven years ago, I spent the entire month of September by my daughter’s side in her hospital room. From Ana’s window, we’d watched summer fade into fall as we waited, day after day, for her to be discharged. That day had arrived in October, but we remained trapped in a…

Every time someone emphatically suggested a miracle cure for my child’s cancer, it threw me into a tailspin of doubt. — When your child is diagnosed with a rare, serious disease, the monumental task of finding the right treatment becomes your number one priority. In some cases, there are proven treatments that (mostly) work and the path has already been forged. But in many cases, like the case with my daughter…